Schrödinger’s cookie
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I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
New mindset, who dis?
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!