Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
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Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol