me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?