Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
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[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t