9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
A bold strategy
Okay, I’m still confused…
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode