Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
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Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
We like the way Dwight thinks
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works