Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
they finally got him. they got macavity
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan