I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
You Might Also Like
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
i hope my email finds you on fire
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*