Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
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My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?