My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
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Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen