If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
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Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
what my late-night hot pocket sees
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
just got my engagement photos
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.