You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.