Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
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Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
My love language is deader than Latin
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.