I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
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good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
your honor my client chooses dare
There’s only one good girl here!
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
The symmetry is uncanny.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.