Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
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Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee