My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
The symmetry is uncanny.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
The Compass
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.