Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
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Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I’m about to risk it all
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”