The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????