Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
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[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂