If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
You Might Also Like
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!