[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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I want this so bad
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.