I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
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Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Why does laundry happen to good people?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine