Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?