Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
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[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”