‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?