[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Gods work.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!