When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
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DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
u spoke cat all this time??????
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?