There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”