that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
You Might Also Like
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy