Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
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I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Labreador
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.