*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
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Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.