[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
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You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby