Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
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Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.