Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!