At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
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Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Tell me you get it…🤣
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!