My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
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me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.