Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
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The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.