I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
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I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately