You better watch out
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I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?