Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
mechanics be like
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
HR said no more nunchucks.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.