BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
This did not end as expected.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries