Life cycle of cat
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I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.