The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
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[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
For the ones in the back.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.