Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
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New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
this is the news I live for
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother