Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
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My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Bringing home a sharpie
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Follow me for more life hacks.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians