I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair