Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
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Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
At least try to make it slightly believable
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question