All is fair in drunk and war.
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“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I hate everything
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.