I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Nigella has gone too far this time.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.