a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
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I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.